Judge Judy Is My Muse

For those who are blissfully unaware of the inanity that is innate in daytime television, let me help explain the sickness that is infecting the unemployed, the speed freaks, and my favorite: the crack head. Since you are unaware of the daytime television phenomena, I feel it is prudent to start with the granddaddy of trash TV—The Jerry Springer Show. On the show hosted by ex-politician, Jerry Springer (that fact speaks volumes, but I digress) I have seen naked midgets fight to death, a tranny give an erotic massage, and obese trailer trash bathe in kiddy pools filled with ice cream {actually I haven’t seen all that, but I wouldn’t be shocked or surprised if I did}. Now that you understand what we are dealing with, lets eat the heart of this depravity.

Steve Wilkos, the dashing and daring bouncer on the aforementioned Jerry Springer Show, became so popular that he has been given his own show, aptly named The Steve Wilkos Show (Americans loves creative titling). About fifteen minutes ago on this gorgeous day in Malibu, California, I decided to turn on my TV only to find out that Steve Wilkos had locked up a fifteen year old kid to teach him a lesson about drugs. This kid smoked some chronic, and his neurotic father freaked out and apparently decided to call Steve Wilkos for help.

For those who are dense, stupid, dull, crazy, or what have you, it is not a good idea to ask for parenting advice from a guy who for a good ten years, got paid to give “Jerry Beads” to girls who showed him some titties. Seriously though, have you ever gotten pissed at a family member or a friend, and instead of confronting the problem like a normal human being, decided instead to call up Maury Povich and absolve the issue on TV? If you have done that, then your problems run deeper than two-dimensional images on that appear on my TV screen at 12:30 in the afternoon.

Let’s move past the people who go on these dumb ass shows and let’s talk about the people who watch them—I mean really watch them. It is one thing to laugh at a diseased sector of American society, it is an entirely different thing to somehow relate, or sympathize with these morons. Granted, I enjoy the occasional show that exposes a secret phobia of pickles, or balloons (actual Maury shows), but to watch this every day, when I should be out having some fun (I rather be smoking a bowl at the beach for instance), is a sickness that in a sick sort of way, depends on the sickness of the people on Maury.

I will say that I feel oddly better about my own life when I see these poor people whose lives are completely in shambles. But let’s say for the sake of argument, that I am unemployed, a speed freak, and that I have a TV. What would I do with my afternoon? I’d do a line of crank and watch TV where I can see people with normal lives, with seemingly “normal” problems, and I can pretend that I too lived a normal life, because I “feel these people’s pain”. That is what scares me the most about programming like Judge Judy, Maury, Springer, and what have you, because I have to believe that there are select few in this great country of ours, who become infatuated with the lives of others (not to be confused with the popular German film, The Lives of Others).

To support this theory that the target audience of the Maury Povich Show (and related programming) are the hopeless and the unemployed, just take a look at the advertisements. My favorite is the “turn in your gold for cash—fast” ads. Unless you have a bunch of scrap gold lying around your house, the only people who send in their jewlrey are people who need money because a) they have none, and b) desperately need money for drugs.

If this commercial doesn’t satisfy the skeptic in you, how about you take a look at the online college ads? This plays to the laziness of a human who day in and day out, posts up on his or her couch to watch Steve Wilkos inflict a jaded sense of morality on a youthful stoner who occasionally enjoys playing the role of your neighborhood vandal. Are you over the age of 25? Did you miss the boat on college? Well no worries, you can pay the internet to send you a degree, and in no time you will move from your job at McDonalds, to a position that requires you to navigate in a sea of cubicles. Online college, despite the ads, is not the real thing—sorry to burst that bubble, hit the crack pipe one more time and let this sink in. Daytime television contains a wealth of sociological information that is waiting to be tapped, like the frosty keg of Harp that I so desperately wish to grace my dorm room.

OK, finally, the godmother of daytime trash—Judge Judy. What a bitch. Seriously, if I was pissed about lending my friend money (and I was never reimbursed) for a tattoo, and I went on Judge Judy (because that seemed like the logical thing to do), and that bitch talked to me like a (hold on, I just herd “Wal-mart” slip from the lips of my TV as a case was in Judy’s court) bitch, I would take Judge Judy over to Judge Mathis and regulate. But I digress once more. There are many things I don’t understand, and this program is one of them. I don’t get it. Is Judge Judy real? I can only assume so. Even if the people suing each other in court are in cahoots in order to make an appearance on Judge Judy (something I have considered on more than one occasion), it does not discredit the fact that there are people who showed up to the taping of this garbage, and that there are people who actually watch it on TV. Come to think about it, Judge Judy has been on TV forever, I even remember catching glimpses of the robed she-devil when I was as young as ten years old.

What possesses someone to make an appointment with his or her TV for these programs? The novelty wears off after about 20 min (often after 5 minutes), and what remains is clearly disturbing television. I understand becoming accustomed to watching Curb Your Enthusiasm every Sunday night, or Weeds, which are artful displays of the potential of television. But honestly…Maury? Bizarre phobia, or “who’s my babies daddy” can only blow my sails so far. There is sickness afoot, and Maury is the plague.