I am always brought back to that Moby song "Natural Blues". I struggle and have struggled with the very idea that some form of god even exists. And most importantly I struggle with those who believe beyond a shadow of a doubt.
As stated in previous posts (most notably Why Meth is Bad), I am a recovering addict. Upon reflection and in thinking of what I have witnessed and what I have been a part of, I am certain true evil exists here on earth, and being the science minded person I am I believe that evil is a binary process. Therefore true good must exist here on earth as well. Without the good there can be no evil, and without the evil there can be no good. This fact that was shoved down my throat by my own evil actions is now making me think of where this new wave of good even comes from. I am realizing it must be some Good Orderly Direction or god. My god, my understanding.
I will be honest; for the first two months of sobriety I fought this idea of GOD tooth and nail. Granted I fought everything tooth and nail including nurses doctors telephones. Pretty much I was psychotic for a brief yet seemingly endless period of time. I couldn't (maybe wouldn't) allow anyone into my world...including GOD. What that GOD is I really don't know.
I do know that the longer I go to meetings, the more I get out of my own head and share my fucked up thoughts, the less crazy I feel. I am still a little crazy, but it is nothing short of a miracle that I am able to write these words, and that I am able to be somewhat articulate.
I am willing to try anything to stay clean. Even if at first I am not 100% convinced that it will work. I am ready to turn over my life to the care of others who know more than I do. I am ready to listen rather than trying so hard to be heard.
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